Christmas trees and how to select them
For many, choosing a Christmas tree for their home is not all fun and games. There can be a lot of factors. Especially if you live with people or you have sensitive skin.
The most popular Christmas trees are:
Pine. The Pine tree is the most popular kind of Christmas tree. It can be kind of stabby, because instead of leaves it has sharp needles. You'll find that people, upon seeing the Pine in your living room, will know that it's a Christmas tree almost immediately.
Maple. A Maple tree holds ornaments well because of its sturdy branches, and is the handiest Christmas tree at breakfast. The Maple is especially popular in Canada because they are very easy to find there. Not poplar, popular.
Fraser Fir. The Fraser Fir is not a tree at all but the rare pelt of TV star Kelsey Grammar.
Shopping can take a while if you have to get a tree to share with people, especially if they are not your children or otherwise subordinate to you. Oddly enough, get everybody out in the cold, and suddenly people exhibiting no previous interest in botany have a lot of opinions on trees. Todd wants the one with the long trunk. More room for presents; it's a flagrant bias. Mary wants the one that smells nicest. This is a fragrant bias. Joe wants the blue one. "Who is this Joe," you think, "and why is he telling me what to do?" But Joe is a tough cookie, and Christmas occurs in the winter in our part of the world so you will probably compromise.
If you do have any influence on the selection, it is important to buy the tallest tree you can afford. You can always saw it down to size depending on your ceilings. Or you can saw the ceilings. However, if you get a tree that is too small you'll have to put it on something, and it is stupid to have to move your dresser out into the living room. You don't want to be in the middle of everywhere in a towel trying to pick out an outfit.
Now just so we understand each other, no matter how much you spent, your tree, if it's cut, is dead. Yes it still smells good. That's just the difference between trees and people.
The tree in your home is on life-support, and it's important to remember to feed and water it (often done simultaneously, with an aqueous foodular solution) every day. Bad luck here if you have a pet. Your dog or cat, though they will argue you down to the nub (which nub, I won't get into) is not supposed to drink dead tree food. But the poor thing is desperate. At least get the good stuff, christ: that dry food is embarrassing. You would drink a lot of weird shit, too, if you were only fed beer nuts. So what begins as a heartwarming scene of your dog or cat curled beneath the tree becomes a radioactive nightmare.
You probably won't run into this if you have another kind of pet: an iguana, for instance. But when you feed rodents to your pet in the first place, what could a little radiation do, seriously.
If you do it right, on the blessed day, the tree will still be full and aromatic, doing its job concealing presents from the little ones. Aww, they just about gave up on getting that gumball machine. Psst. Over by Aunt Wendy. No, under the tree. There it is! (There are many varieties of wrapping paper with Christmas trees pictured on them, serving as excellent camouflage.)
At the end of its life, its needles will thin, its memory will start to go, and you'll have to pick up some low prescription glasses at the pharmacy if you want it to read something. The most important thing is putting down a tree skirt before you set up the tree. That way when the season is over, you can simply pull its skirt up and dump it at the curb.
That's the first and last step: it's a must to keep your rug free of needles, and subsequently your feet free of holes for the next 12 months. If you've been doing these things as you've been reading, you may as well not take it down at all. At least you won't have to read this again next year.
The most popular Christmas trees are:
Pine. The Pine tree is the most popular kind of Christmas tree. It can be kind of stabby, because instead of leaves it has sharp needles. You'll find that people, upon seeing the Pine in your living room, will know that it's a Christmas tree almost immediately.
Maple. A Maple tree holds ornaments well because of its sturdy branches, and is the handiest Christmas tree at breakfast. The Maple is especially popular in Canada because they are very easy to find there. Not poplar, popular.
Fraser Fir. The Fraser Fir is not a tree at all but the rare pelt of TV star Kelsey Grammar.
Shopping can take a while if you have to get a tree to share with people, especially if they are not your children or otherwise subordinate to you. Oddly enough, get everybody out in the cold, and suddenly people exhibiting no previous interest in botany have a lot of opinions on trees. Todd wants the one with the long trunk. More room for presents; it's a flagrant bias. Mary wants the one that smells nicest. This is a fragrant bias. Joe wants the blue one. "Who is this Joe," you think, "and why is he telling me what to do?" But Joe is a tough cookie, and Christmas occurs in the winter in our part of the world so you will probably compromise.
If you do have any influence on the selection, it is important to buy the tallest tree you can afford. You can always saw it down to size depending on your ceilings. Or you can saw the ceilings. However, if you get a tree that is too small you'll have to put it on something, and it is stupid to have to move your dresser out into the living room. You don't want to be in the middle of everywhere in a towel trying to pick out an outfit.
Now just so we understand each other, no matter how much you spent, your tree, if it's cut, is dead. Yes it still smells good. That's just the difference between trees and people.
The tree in your home is on life-support, and it's important to remember to feed and water it (often done simultaneously, with an aqueous foodular solution) every day. Bad luck here if you have a pet. Your dog or cat, though they will argue you down to the nub (which nub, I won't get into) is not supposed to drink dead tree food. But the poor thing is desperate. At least get the good stuff, christ: that dry food is embarrassing. You would drink a lot of weird shit, too, if you were only fed beer nuts. So what begins as a heartwarming scene of your dog or cat curled beneath the tree becomes a radioactive nightmare.
You probably won't run into this if you have another kind of pet: an iguana, for instance. But when you feed rodents to your pet in the first place, what could a little radiation do, seriously.
If you do it right, on the blessed day, the tree will still be full and aromatic, doing its job concealing presents from the little ones. Aww, they just about gave up on getting that gumball machine. Psst. Over by Aunt Wendy. No, under the tree. There it is! (There are many varieties of wrapping paper with Christmas trees pictured on them, serving as excellent camouflage.)
At the end of its life, its needles will thin, its memory will start to go, and you'll have to pick up some low prescription glasses at the pharmacy if you want it to read something. The most important thing is putting down a tree skirt before you set up the tree. That way when the season is over, you can simply pull its skirt up and dump it at the curb.
That's the first and last step: it's a must to keep your rug free of needles, and subsequently your feet free of holes for the next 12 months. If you've been doing these things as you've been reading, you may as well not take it down at all. At least you won't have to read this again next year.
posted by Paul S at 3:53 PM
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