Lift Free or Die
At the risk of sounding like a Libertarian, I hate laws. Americans are so afraid of themselves, they'll legislate against anything interesting. If it's hard to do, dangerous, a little sexy, well then it shouldn't be allowed. But then we make movies about it. Drugs. Jewel heists. Cowboys having sex with cowboys. Well what really gets me isn't any of these things, it's shoplifting.
I'll come to the point. Shoplifting is not easy. I have been training for months and I can barely get one off the ground. In my defense the Met Foods near my house is very difficult to get a grip on, and it's held down with one of those Kryptonite locks to a bunch of bicycles. I suppose it makes sense that stealing CDs is "illegal", but how can we budding athletes get any practice? A successful shoplifter is not a criminal, but a pillar of human vitality. Like Samson. And the American gulag is lined with these its most intrepid sons. Well, I'd like to use this column—like, as I said, Samson—as a vehicle to encourage shoplifting.
This vehicle, which I designed myself in html, will reach speeds of 125mph on land and water, even faster with the top down and the radio up, using only our blood as grease, sweat for fuel, and tears for fears. I'd like to see Uncle Sam—or his son (our cousin), the son of Sam, Samson—touch us.
A few tips for the beginner. Forget about the YMCA. Tae-bo is a far more effective dance workout. When you're ready to start lifting, start with bodegas. They're smaller, and people from Latin America are more accustomed to earthquakes. It is also important to spit on your hands before you lift. This helps to discourage people from taking things out of your hands. As a general strategy, spit as often as possible, all over yourself, and people will let you alone. Then you can really focus.
In any case shopowners are looking at this thing the wrong way. Think of the publicity. Owners of especially lightweight shops could sell tickets. For instance, I find clothes shopping pretty dull. Seven or eight feet off the ground would make a world of difference—and I certainly wouldn't come home with any flood pants. LEGALIZE.
I'll come to the point. Shoplifting is not easy. I have been training for months and I can barely get one off the ground. In my defense the Met Foods near my house is very difficult to get a grip on, and it's held down with one of those Kryptonite locks to a bunch of bicycles. I suppose it makes sense that stealing CDs is "illegal", but how can we budding athletes get any practice? A successful shoplifter is not a criminal, but a pillar of human vitality. Like Samson. And the American gulag is lined with these its most intrepid sons. Well, I'd like to use this column—like, as I said, Samson—as a vehicle to encourage shoplifting.
This vehicle, which I designed myself in html, will reach speeds of 125mph on land and water, even faster with the top down and the radio up, using only our blood as grease, sweat for fuel, and tears for fears. I'd like to see Uncle Sam—or his son (our cousin), the son of Sam, Samson—touch us.
A few tips for the beginner. Forget about the YMCA. Tae-bo is a far more effective dance workout. When you're ready to start lifting, start with bodegas. They're smaller, and people from Latin America are more accustomed to earthquakes. It is also important to spit on your hands before you lift. This helps to discourage people from taking things out of your hands. As a general strategy, spit as often as possible, all over yourself, and people will let you alone. Then you can really focus.
In any case shopowners are looking at this thing the wrong way. Think of the publicity. Owners of especially lightweight shops could sell tickets. For instance, I find clothes shopping pretty dull. Seven or eight feet off the ground would make a world of difference—and I certainly wouldn't come home with any flood pants. LEGALIZE.
posted by Paul S at 9:14 AM
1 Comments:
I think you're thinking of "Sampras". exhibit a vs exhibit b
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